(BRATTLEBORO, VT) Vermonters may have to shutter up their sugar shacks and shuffle off to Canada if they want to continue to live off the largesse of the maple tree.

Man-made or not, global warming seems to be shortening the sugaring season and causing our rough-skinned friends to skimp on the sweet sauce.

Eco-farmer, Matthias Jarling, who green farms 122 acres outside of Brattleboro, has seen his maple syrup output shrink by 38% since 1980. He insists that his trees are angry. “They’ve been furious since that [expletive deleted] B-actor from Hollywood got elected. With the exception of about three seasons in the mid-90’s, they just won’t produce.”

Prominent scientists speculate that as conditions continue to deteriorate in the northeast, maples will increasingly creep across the border into Canada to find cooler and more favorable conditions.

“Of course they’re going to go to Canada,” Jarling said, before taking a long moment to reflect as he looked toward the Green Mountains. “Why wouldn’t they go to Canada? Canada signed the Kyoto Treaty, didn’t they? We didn’t. Don’t you think these mighty maples can sense who their friends are?”

Jarling was referring to the UN-sponsored Kyoto Protocol, a self-regulating treaty designed to reduce industry-produced greenhouse gases. Many scientists agree that greenhouse gases have drastically shrunk the polar icecaps.

The United States has refused to sign this agreement.

(Washington, DC) Medical authorities have failed to explain why MSNBC’s Chris Matthews’s leg hasn’t stopped tingling since the evening hours of February 13 during an acceptance speech given by Democratic candidate Barack Obama.

Matthews first reported his condition in an on-air exchange with Keith Olberman about an hour after Obama swept the so-called Potomac primaries in Virginia, Maryland and DC.

According to MSNBC transcripts: “I have to tell you, you know, it’s part of reporting this case, this election, the feeling most people get when they hear Barack Obama’s speech. My, I felt this thrill going up my leg. I mean, I don’t have that too often.”

NBC anchor Brian Williams later joked with Olberman about Matthews’s comment, but it turns out his condition was no joking matter. In fact, Matthews has undergone a battery of tests at John Hopkins University Medical Center in Maryland in an attempt to diagnose what doctors have termed a continuous spasmodic tingle. The condition seems to accelerate with each Obama win.

Although doctors have no conclusive medical explanation, they do note a slight constriction in Matthews’s femoral artery.

Doctors have ruled out Restless Leg Syndrome, a medical condition affecting more than 12 million Americans, for no other reason than that Matthews states categorically that he does not find the condition unnecessarily uncomfortable.

In fact, Hans Friendly, an intern for Keith Olbermann, has reported seeing Matthews on the set smirking uncontrollably while not apparently doing anything else but wistfully daydreaming. He speculates that it is at these times Matthews most intensely feels the thrill up his leg.

In other related matters, Democratic Party apparatchiks have sent Hillary Clinton a ‘Dear John’ limerick that is currently making its way around the left-wing blogosphere:

My dearest Madame Hillary
I’ve grown tired of your shillary
My newfound drama
Is that dreamboat Obama
Who gives my left leg a thrillary.

Neither Matthews nor Hillary Clinton could be reached for comment.

(NEW YORK) New York’s fashion week ended as all orgiastic parties unfortunately must end, with the lights flicking on and the bleary-eyed crowds making for the exits.

Didn’t these ungrateful wretches realize that Fashion Week had billed the unveiling of Hillary Clinton’s Empty Pants Suit Collection as its main event? Hadn’t New York’s brightest pre-anointed Hillary as the elite of the fashionably elite? Poor lady, no wonder she cries.

Empty pants suit after empty pants suit paraded down the runway. However, there were no checks, no patterns, no bright colors, no top that was not an exact match to the solid bottom.

At least one could marvel at the precision of the creases, each more exact than the next as if the designer were wanting us to judge a May Day review.

Although it would be impossible to call Hillary’s Empty Pants Suit Collection beautiful, some outfits did rise to the level of handsome.

The main event was the full-collar wrinkle-free stiff-backed muslin in solid royal blue and stuffed in all the right places. Even the happy clappy roger sandwiched next to me who hadn’t said a word all evening emitted an “Ooooo.”

However, only the fashion correspondent from MSNBC had the audacity to show his true feelings by exactly placing two pinched fingers on the end of his nose.

Perhaps Versace was right; Hillary Clinton should ditch the trousers.

RAFAH, Egypt — Electric batons could not stop hordes of Palestinians from illegally pouring through a hole in the border fence between Gaza and Egypt. Nor could water canons, and bulldozers.

Palestinians have repeatedly crossed into Egypt for supplies since last Wednesday. As soon as Egyptian forces have sealed up one hole, Hamas forces have succeeded in blasting a new one somewhere else in the 18-foot fence that divides this backwater border town in two.

Nothing Egyptian officials did seemed to work until they began blasting Yoko Ono music from the same speakers normally used to call Muslims to prayer. This began on Friday, immediately after Maghrib (or sunset) prayer.

“This is why no one dare stopping music,” said Egyptian General Abdel Hamid, who said he got the idea from watching APOCALYPSE NOW, his favorite American movie.

One song that was particularly effective was “A Thousand Times Yes,” from Ono’s classic FEELING THE SPACE album released in 1973. According to Hamid, “That song make them hurry steps like camel in front of sandstorm.” Hamid, who is also the governor of northern Sinai, had first purchased the album in a Cairo thrift shop.

Other Ono songs have also worked effectively. Yesterday’s attempt to smash a new hole a kilometer south of the first breach was immediately met with a cacophony of tunes from Ono’s Greatest Hits compilation, which was DHL’d on Friday by a Lebanese-run music store in Haifa, Israel.

It should be noted that the United States has also used music torture when it attempted to induce Manuel Noriega to surrender in 1989. Officials could not be reached for comment.

(DES MOINES, IOWA) A middle-age Iowa voter has filed a $12 million lawsuit against both Hillary and Bill Clinton for mental whiplash.

According to papers filed yesterday in Iowa’s Supreme Court, Andrew Wynehart of Spring Hill, Iowa, has asked that the Clintons compensate him for lost wages, medical bills and emotional distress as a result of a series of mental injuries sustained repeatedly over the last six weeks. These injuries, termed “mental whiplash,” have been defined by Wynehart’s lawyers as, “the coherent, unexpected misdirection of the brain leading to cranial blur.”

Wynehart has submitted two MRIs as evidence taken before and after Wynehart’s medical setbacks. “The MRI taken this Friday morning clearly shows contusions to the left and right hemispheres, as well as sponginess in the frontal lobe,” according to Perry Flinch of Dogget Flinch & Armbuster.

In his deposition, Wynehart states that he can no longer walk a straight line since it was disclosed on December 13th that Hillary Clinton is trying to lure out-of-state college students to participate in the Iowa caucuses. A day earlier Hillary had berated Barack Obama, her chief rival, for using the same tactics. “This is a process for Iowans,” Hillary had said. “This needs to be all about Iowa, and people who live here, people who pay taxes here.”

“Now you tell me, what am I supposed to believe?” Wynehart asked.

Although he’s not sure, Wynehart thinks he suffered the worst damage during the Philadelphia debate in October hosted by Tim Russert, at which Russert asked Clinton if she supported New York Governor Eliot Spitzer’s plan to give drivers licenses to illegal aliens.

“In the space of 3:12 seconds I experienced a sudden extension and flexion of my brain as Hillary answered, didn’t answer, could answer, couldn’t answer, was for it, was against it, took responsibility, pawned off responsibility,” Wynehart explained. “That’s when the headaches, the dizziness, and the spine tingling began.”

Wynehart began to have difficulty swallowing and chewing on November 28, immediately after Bill Clinton said that he had never supported the Iraq war, even though he’s on record in 2002 and 2004 as supporting it. “I think that’s when my condition began to get serious,” he said.

“And it didn’t help that this week Bill was parading around Iowa telling us how much he’s always loved Hillary.” While reclining in his La-Z-Boy, legs extended, neck in a brace, index finger extended, Wynehart asked (in his best Bill Clinton voice): “After all, did he or did he not have sex with that woman?”

A spokesperson for the Clintons stated that he knows a con when he sees one, and called the suit “bogus.”

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(WASHINGTON, DC) Astronaut Scott Parazynski did more than perform emergency surgery on a torn solar panel on the International Space Station today. At the end of his spacewalk, almost as an afterthought, he reached out with a 90-foot robotic arm and boom extension, and deftly snagged a strand of twine dangling from a mysterious bundle of space debris.

“Yee haw,” was all that earthbound controllers could hear Parazynsky say into his space helmet at that moment. However, Col. Douglas H. Wheelock, giving visual cues to Parazynsky during what officials have termed the most dangerous spacewalk in history, shouted something else: “What the hell does that space jockey think he’s doing?”

“I thought we were going to lose him,” Wheelock admitted, after witnessing what appeared to be a dangerous action. “We’re taught in space school from the get-go that gimcrack stunts costs lives.”

However, it was only after the spacewalkers closed the inner hatch, peeled off their space gloves, and opened the provocative packet of papers bundled together with twine that they realized what an extraordinary find they had — a small treasure trove of classified Hillary Clinton documents from the National Archive.

Among them, a letter to Bill Clinton dated January 25th, 1998 in which Hillary writes: “George Bush was right. You’ve turned the White House into the waffle house. Now I’m asking you for the last time, did you or did you not have sexual relations with that woman?”

Also included in the papers was a receipt for the purchase of nine table lamps on August 18, 1998 for the east wing, as well as a letter written by Hillary to nine-year-old Leslie Henderson of Paducah, Kentucky refuting the ingredient-by-ingredient similarities between Hillary’s chocolate chip and Nestlé’s Toll House cookies.

The discovery of these documents comes on the heels of this week’s presidential debate in Philadelphia in which Democratic candidates repeatedly charged Clinton with trying to block the release of While House documents that would give the American people an opportunity to make a judgment about her experience. Under a National Archives ban, communication between Hillary and Bill during their White House years will not be made available to the public until 2012.

Hillary Clinton insists that, “my husband has never blocked a record ever. He has been the most forthcoming of all presidents.”

Critics, however, say the timely discovery of these documents in outer space can only add to the controversy. “This issue is not going away any time soon,” said a spokesman for Dennis Kucinich, one of the second-tier candidates for the Democratic nomination.

Officials are at a loss how a bundle of letters from the 1990’s could be found floating in space in 2007. “We’re utterly and absolutely dumbfounded,” said one unidentified NASA official.

However, conflicting explanations have come from the Clinton camp, with one calling it a hoax, another admitting that Hillary did indeed buy replacement table lamps on multiple occasions, to a third who speculates that one of the astronauts on today’s mission deliberately jettisoned the packet, a charge which has been strongly denied by both Parazynski and Wheeler.

More than 60 shuttle missions were flown during the Clinton administration.

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(WASHINGTON, DC) DNA removed from black and white hair follicles has revealed the identity of a stray cat found in Iraq as that of Socks, Bill and Hillary Clinton’s White House cat. Apparently, the war-bedraggled tabby was found feeding on scraps outside of a reporters’ compound in Baghdad, Iraq.

In a story that New York Times war correspondent John Burns broke last week, reporters have witnessed young Iraqis regularly feeding as many as 60 stray cats with platters of leftover rice and lamb. Burns is quite sure of the count because, as surging American troops were fighting in Baghdad and al-Anbar province, he tallied “how many cats we had seated for dinner.”

While Burns adopted a stray he’d heard mewing one night in 2005, and saw it through two litters of kittens in 18 months while suicide bombings occurred “even miles away,” blogger Throckmorton Strethers had his eyes fixed on something else, a gaunt, fur-matted black and white cat that seemed to howl louder than the rest of the strays.

Strethers, founder of Two Eyes On Iraq (www.twoeyesoniraq.com), a website dedicated to reporting on the reporters who report on the Iraq war, began noticing a resemblance to Clinton’s famous White House cat, Socks. “As he fattened up, and as his hair grew out, I kept thinking, ‘Isn’t that Socks?’” Strethers said.

The cat’s behavior revealed another clue. “His head was always first in the bowl,” Strethers recounted. “And he had a way of ingratiating himself with the other reporters in the compound by slinking around the legs of the guy who had the biggest leg of lamb.”

During Bill Clinton’s presidency, Socks occupied the role of “first pet,” and was often carted to schools and nursing homes. Critics, however, contend that the Clintons used Socks to soften Hillary’s reputation as an uncaring shrew.

Critics buttress their argument by pointing out that at the end of Clinton’s second term, Socks was dumped on Betty Currie, Bill Clinton’s personal secretary, and, except for a brief photo op with Currie in 2005, hasn’t been seen since.

Strethers says that he hopes to emulate Buckhead, the mysterious poster who exposed as forgeries the documents used by Dan Rather to try to impugn Bush’s service in the National Guard. “He caused Dan Rather to resign in disgrace, and I think that my revelation is going to cover that wicked witch Hillary up to her eyeballs in kitty litter.”

However, it’s hard to tell judging by the reaction from potential voters. “I cannot believe for one minute Mrs. Clinton would send Socks to the war in Iraq,” said Sarah Nuttles, who was buying a pro-Hillary button in New York City’s Washington Square.

New York City resident Jonathan Birnbaum disagreed, calling Hillary, in an obscenity-based tirade, “a war monger from the get-go.  She signed on to that EXPLETIVE DELETED Bush’s EXPLETIVE DELETED war and sent our EXPLETIVE DELETED high school dropouts to EXPLETIVE DELETED fight a EXPLETIVE DELETED war EXPLETIVE DELETED Hillary EXPLETIVE DELETED her insides EXPLETIVE DELETED cat to Iraq.”

No one has offered a reasonable theory explaining how Socks came to Iraq in the first place, nor have the Clintons yet come forward to claim him. Socks remains impounded at Reagan National Airport in Washington, DC.

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(LONDON) A decade-long rumor was confirmed today when it was announced that Hillary Clinton has insured her piano legs for $10 million with Lloyds of London.

Until yesterday the public had only known of Hillary’s piano legs through anecdotal evidence because no known pictures of Hillary in a dress exist. For example, in March 2006 Chris Matthews of MSNBC’s Hardball called Hillary, “Dukakis in a dress,” and noted that she has better calves than former Democratic Presidential nominee Michael Dukakis.

Washington pundits speculate that Clinton has chosen this time to insure her legs because she expects Rudy Giuliani to emerge as her probable Republican rival in the Presidential race. Pictures of Rudy in a dress, taken when he appeared briefly in drag in Broadway’s Victor/Victoria, regularly circulate on the internet and show what a Hillary spokesperson calls, “a very shapely set of gams.”

Howard Dean, Chairman of the Democratic Party, expects Hillary to unveil her piano legs after she secures the Democratic nomination. He speculates that it will generate more buzz than when Hillary revealed her cleavage on the Senate floor this year in front of CSPAN cameras.

According to urbandictionary.com, a reference site widely used by urban hipsters, piano legs are “disproportionately thick calves and/or ankles on a woman with otherwise normal body weight.” It also cites the Democratic presidential frontrunner in its example of proper usage of the phrase: “No wonder Hillary Clinton always wears pant suits. She’s got a humongous set of piano legs.”

Although Lloyds used their press release to heavily promote Hanes® new Hiphugger-High™ support panty hose, a product targeting the aging baby boom generation, they seemed delighted to underwrite a set of legs as famous as Hillary’s. A spokesperson for the Clinton campaign would neither confirm nor deny Hillary’s possible endorsement of the new Hanes product.

Clinton joins company with Betty Grable and Marlene Dietrich, two notables with million dollar legs underwritten by Lloyds. However, all three fall far short of Mariah Carey who insured her legs for $1 billion last year before embarking on an advertising campaign for Gillette.

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(BERKELEY, CALIFORNIA) Perhaps French people don’t bathe or brush their teeth regularly, according to a provocative study recently published by La Point magazine, but neither do American liberals, according to a similar study that finds striking parallels between both populations.

While the French study, “24 Hours in France – An Unusual Portrait of France and the French,” shows a rather unflattering picture of the French, the American study, conducted by the University of California at Berkekey, could have been Xerox copied because the results are so eye-poppingly similar. For example, only one in 10 of both populations regularly uses soap.

In another astonishing parallel, while one in 25 French persons admits to never showering or bathing, an almost identical number of American liberals – one in 24 – admits the same disturbing behavior. And even conceding that rubbing the teeth with sprigs of spearmint constitutes tooth brushing, fully one out of 33 American liberals admits to never brushing his teeth. This rate is exactly identical to that of the French.

Nevertheless, both populations spend great periods of time in the bathroom albeit for reasons other than personal hygiene. The French spend between 48 to 56 minutes per day in the bathroom while American liberals spend between 46 to 53 minutes per day.

What they do there, however, demonstrates the only notable differences between the two groups in both studies. For example, while 25% of the French daydream, 14% make telephone calls, 8% sing, 6% smoke, and 1% eat in the bathroom, only 11% of American liberals daydream, 12% make phones calls, 6% sing, 4% smoke, and 2% eat. However, 18% of American liberals blog in the bathroom, and, more surprisingly, 9% compost.

What they read in the bathroom also differs, of course, with the American liberal preferring The New York Times and The Nation and the French preferring Le Figaro and Madeline, a popular children’s book series.

What has academics further head scratching is an amazing list of other similarities. For example, 450,000 French and 438,000 American liberals smoke cannabis daily. 2.40 million French take mood-altering prescription drugs daily, while 2.46 million American liberals do. And 550 French have facelifts or other plastic surgery every day, while 563 American liberals do, with the majority of them occurring in Paris and Biarritz, or Hollywood and the upper west side of Manhattan, respectively.

The La Point study bases its conclusions on France’s population of 60 million, while the Berkeley study extrapolates from an adult American liberal population ranging from an estimated 26 million to 34 million, with the Berkeley study using the larger number. Both studies rely on data collected by polling and academic research.

Although some French academics and bureaucrats have decried La Point’s findings for perpetuating an insulting and enduring caricature, French actor Girard Depardieu has recently contributed to France’s smelly stereotype by acting as an unwashed tramp in Boudu. Depardieu, it should be noted, ranked a mere 11th in a Swedish survey of the world’s smelliest celebrities. Meanwhile, American liberal actor Brad Pitt finished a strong first, while Cameron Diaz, known for carrying Chairman Mao handbags, ranked a disrespectable 8th, according to Mikael Jagerbrand.

What has yet to be established is whether liberals will be denied dental or medical coverage or be forced to bathe and brush their teeth under Hillarycare, or some other form of socialized health care should Americans elect a Democrat president in 2008. Hillary Clinton could not be reached for comment.

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(DOJA, QATAR) In an effort to clarify his rambling seven-page manifesto released on September 7, Osama Bin Laden has sent a rambling a three-page memo to Al Jazeera, the 24-hour Arab news service in Qatar. The memo has been read continuously by a Bin Laden look-a-like every hour on the hour across the Middle East since Al Jazeera received it early Sunday morning.

In the threat-laced memo, Bin Laden seems to single out Hillary Clinton, whom he calls “cuckolded blond lady candidate.” He later refers to her as “the lady candidate who should be burqa-ed.”

Bin Laden chides Hillary by referring to her comment to a Concord, New Hampshire audience last Thursday stating that a terror attack between now and the next election would help a Republican to get reelected. “We’ll commit an act of terror any time we damn well please,” Bin Laden writes.

In addition, Bin Laden implies that Hillary’s words were, in fact, a coded message delivered to the terrorists by her friends in the mainstream press in order to get a Democrat elected president. “Just as [Mrs. Clinton] has her friends at CBS, we have our friends at Al Jazeera,” Bin Laden writes.

Bin Laden proves an astute follower of American politics. “We promise to adhere to [Mrs. Clinton’s] directive and lay off the terror, but not now. However, we can see the wisdom of holding back once the main candidates have been selected and the election starts in earnest.”

Bin Laden continues: “We want a Democrat president as much as you do, al mihara jeez mihara ichbab,” which, loosely translated, means “Woman Who Should Be Wearing A Burqa Who Voted For The War Before She Voted Against It.”

Mrs. Clinton could not be reached for comment.

In clarifying another matter, Bin Laden used more than a page to state that he will not become a spokesman for Grecian Formula, a hair dye made especially for men.

Although he admits that he did indeed enhance the color of his beard as shown in his most recent photo, he did not do so using western methods. Rather he used a Yemeni technique called al machbahad, a dark-brown rinse made of boiled currents and camel dung applied twice daily with a comb. This concoction is now readily available in the mountain caves of Pakistan. “It’s a very very old family recipe,” he asserts.
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