bedbug protest

(CHARLOTTE, NC) The unethical treatment of bed bugs brought an estimated 500 angry sign-carrying protestors outside of the Time Warner Cable Arena at the Democratic National Convention in Charlotte, North Carolina. Conventioneers have complained about the inordinate number of bedbugs under their mattresses in the Queen City.

According to Susan Lunesta, spokesperson for the People for the Ethical Treatment of Insects (PETI), the Democratic National Committee has urged the indiscriminate use of chemicals to mass exterminate what most people call pests.

“No bedbug should ever be killed,” said Lunesta. “It’s not their fault that they have been taken out of their native habitat.”

A press release clarified PETI’s position: “Our hearts go out to the bedbugs. We can only hope that Mother Earth protects these six-legged creatures from deadly pesticides, dog sniffers and blood-born contaminates from hotel guests.” PETI is a sub-chapter of PETA, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.

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Charlotte ranks as the 33rd worst city for bedbugs, or, as Lunesta suggests, “the 33rd best.” Tampa, which hosted the Republican National Convention, did not make the list of the 50 most bedbug-infested cities.

Just off the wire:
In a related story, PETA has petitioned the platform committee for the Democratic Party to assist in the plight of the family and friends of the estimated 10,000 dead swamp rats washed up by Hurricane Isaac last week. The semi-aquatic rodents drowned in Isaac’s storm surge. According to PETA spokesperson, Havender Weakland, “their bodies ought to be disposed of with respect, and not pitchforked into the garbage the way they were in the aftermath of Katrina.”

Globall Gore(Washington, DC) Former Vice President Al Gore made tsunami-size waves in a wide-ranging and controversial interview broadcast yesterday on National Public Radio.

In his rambling remarks, Gore linked global warming to a disparate series of events ranging in size and destructive scope from the recent Typhoon in Burma killing tens of thousands, to the trend toward dry air under the capitol dome that has wreaked havoc on Hillary Clinton’s nasal passages.

Regarding the recent typhoon in Burma, Gore stated: “It’s… important to note that the emerging consensus among the climate scientists is that even though any individual storm can’t be linked singularly to global warming — we’ve always had hurricanes — nevertheless, the trend toward more Category 5 storms, the larger ones, and the trend toward stronger and more destructive storms appears to be linked to global warming.”

Hillary NosepickRegarding Hillary Clinton’s recent bout with dry nasal passages, Gore stated: “I think that the emerging consensus among ear, nose and throat specialists is that even though the dry nose of a single individual can’t be linked to global warming – after all, many people suffer from dry nose — yet, the obvious trend toward more dry noses, even scabrous nasal passages, appears to be linked to global warming.”

Regarding the 7.9 Earthquake that rocked China last week, killing, at last count, more than 70,000, Gore stated: “I think that the emerging consensus among geologists is that even though individual earthquake like the China quake can’t be linked directly to global warming — we’ve always had earthquakes after all — however, the trend toward more earthquakes, the kind that knock you off your feet, and the trend toward stronger and deadlier earthquakes appears to be linked to global warming.”

The euthanasia of Eight Bells at this year’s Preakness saw Gore at his most animated: “There’s an emerging consensus among sportscasters, among jockeys, gosh, even among the most spirited racehorse fans, that even though any individual broken ankle can’t be linked singularly to global warming — we’ve always had horses put down at the end or even during horse races — nevertheless, the trend toward more viscous tracks, the trend toward stickier and more destructive racetracks appears to be linked to global warming.”

Obama WhitehouseGore’s voice flattened in his discussion about Barack Obama, although in-studio observers noted his repeated sighs which were not readily detectable to the radio listener. “I’ve noted and I’ll note again that the emerging consensus among the political observers is that even though any individual remark by Obama can’t be linked singularly to global warming — we’ve always had politicians say the wrong thing [here Gore laughed] — nevertheless, the trend toward more of these kind of remarks by Obama – that he’d negotiate directly with Iran or Venezuela, and the trend toward more outrageous and more self-destructive remarks as the election nears appears to be linked to global warming.”

Dolphin CollisionReflecting on the dolphin collision at Sea World in Orlando, Florida last month that left 30-year old Sharkey dead after bumping snouts midair with a second dolphin caused Gore to wipe his eyes mid-reflection. “There’s an emerging consensus among zoologists and naturalists across the globe that even though any individual dolphin collision can’t be linked singularly to global warming — I’m sure we’ve had dolphin collision before, but that’s beside the point — nevertheless, the trend toward more collisions, the trend toward more frequent and more deadly dolphin collisions appears to be linked to global warming.”

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(WASHINGTON, DC) DNA removed from black and white hair follicles has revealed the identity of a stray cat found in Iraq as that of Socks, Bill and Hillary Clinton’s White House cat. Apparently, the war-bedraggled tabby was found feeding on scraps outside of a reporters’ compound in Baghdad, Iraq.

In a story that New York Times war correspondent John Burns broke last week, reporters have witnessed young Iraqis regularly feeding as many as 60 stray cats with platters of leftover rice and lamb. Burns is quite sure of the count because, as surging American troops were fighting in Baghdad and al-Anbar province, he tallied “how many cats we had seated for dinner.”

While Burns adopted a stray he’d heard mewing one night in 2005, and saw it through two litters of kittens in 18 months while suicide bombings occurred “even miles away,” blogger Throckmorton Strethers had his eyes fixed on something else, a gaunt, fur-matted black and white cat that seemed to howl louder than the rest of the strays.

cat-gun.JPGStrethers, founder of Two Eyes On Iraq (www.twoeyesoniraq.com), a website dedicated to reporting on the reporters who report on the Iraq war, began noticing a resemblance to Clinton’s famous White House cat, Socks. “As he fattened up, and as his hair grew out, I kept thinking, ‘Isn’t that Socks?’” Strethers said.

The cat’s behavior revealed another clue. “His head was always first in the bowl,” Strethers recounted. “And he had a way of ingratiating himself with the other reporters in the compound by slinking around the legs of the guy who had the biggest leg of lamb.”

During Bill Clinton’s presidency, Socks occupied the role of “first pet,” and was often carted to schools and nursing homes. Critics, however, contend that the Clintons used Socks to soften Hillary’s reputation as an uncaring shrew.

Critics buttress their argument by pointing out that at the end of Clinton’s second term, Socks was dumped on Betty Currie, Bill Clinton’s personal secretary, and, except for a brief photo op with Currie in 2005, hasn’t been seen since.

Strethers says that he hopes to emulate Buckhead, the mysterious poster who exposed as forgeries the documents used by Dan Rather to try to impugn Bush’s service in the National Guard. “He caused Dan Rather to resign in disgrace, and I think that my revelation is going to cover that wicked witch Hillary up to her eyeballs in kitty litter.”

hillary-button.JPGHowever, it’s hard to tell judging by the reaction from potential voters. “I cannot believe for one minute Mrs. Clinton would send Socks to the war in Iraq,” said Sarah Nuttles, who was buying a pro-Hillary button in New York City’s Washington Square.

New York City resident Jonathan Birnbaum disagreed, calling Hillary, in an obscenity-based tirade, “a war monger from the get-go.  She signed on to that EXPLETIVE DELETED Bush’s EXPLETIVE DELETED war and sent our EXPLETIVE DELETED high school dropouts to EXPLETIVE DELETED fight a EXPLETIVE DELETED war EXPLETIVE DELETED Hillary EXPLETIVE DELETED her insides EXPLETIVE DELETED cat to Iraq.”

No one has offered a reasonable theory explaining how Socks came to Iraq in the first place, nor have the Clintons yet come forward to claim him. Socks remains impounded at Reagan National Airport in Washington, DC.
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