bedbug protest

(CHARLOTTE, NC) The unethical treatment of bed bugs brought an estimated 500 angry sign-carrying protestors outside of the Time Warner Cable Arena at the Democratic National Convention in Charlotte, North Carolina. Conventioneers have complained about the inordinate number of bedbugs under their mattresses in the Queen City.

According to Susan Lunesta, spokesperson for the People for the Ethical Treatment of Insects (PETI), the Democratic National Committee has urged the indiscriminate use of chemicals to mass exterminate what most people call pests.

“No bedbug should ever be killed,” said Lunesta. “It’s not their fault that they have been taken out of their native habitat.”

A press release clarified PETI’s position: “Our hearts go out to the bedbugs. We can only hope that Mother Earth protects these six-legged creatures from deadly pesticides, dog sniffers and blood-born contaminates from hotel guests.” PETI is a sub-chapter of PETA, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.


Charlotte ranks as the 33rd worst city for bedbugs, or, as Lunesta suggests, “the 33rd best.” Tampa, which hosted the Republican National Convention, did not make the list of the 50 most bedbug-infested cities.

Just off the wire:
In a related story, PETA has petitioned the platform committee for the Democratic Party to assist in the plight of the family and friends of the estimated 10,000 dead swamp rats washed up by Hurricane Isaac last week. The semi-aquatic rodents drowned in Isaac’s storm surge. According to PETA spokesperson, Havender Weakland, “their bodies ought to be disposed of with respect, and not pitchforked into the garbage the way they were in the aftermath of Katrina.”

Obama Heinz(CHICAGO) As Barack Obama’s presidential campaign shifts into panic mode, Obama has reopened secret talks to become the principle spokesperson for Heinz products, pending the outcome of this year’s presidential election.

According to a source close to his campaign, Obama had been approached in early May by the Heinz Corporation shortly after he made his legendary jingle-worthy gaffe on the campaign trail in Oregon: “[W]e’ve traveled to every corner of the United States. I’ve now been in 57 states.”

His verbal fumble is reminiscent of The Heinz Corporation’s world famous slogan, “57 Varieties,” which the company has used continuously since 1892.

Although Obama turned down the original contract, he approached a representative of Heinz as early as yesterday to see if the offer was still on the table. Recent events have apparently caused Obama to rethink his options.

According to sources, Obama and his inner circle were “literally blown off their pedestal of confidence” by what insiders call “Hurricane Palin,” their euphemism for Gov. Sarah Palin, Sen. John McCain’s pick for his running mate.

“We don’t know how to run against her,” said Alton Braddock, a self-described Obama insider. “She’s wack.”

Meanwhile, Obama, who later made light of his 57-state mistake, is said to be mulling signing the contract on election day.

The Heinz company was founded by Henry Heinz in Sharpsburg, Pennsylvania in 1869.

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