In his rambling remarks, Gore linked global warming to a disparate series of events ranging in size and destructive scope from the recent Typhoon in Burma killing tens of thousands, to the trend toward dry air under the capitol dome that has wreaked havoc on Hillary Clinton’s nasal passages.
Regarding the recent typhoon in Burma, Gore stated: “It’s… important to note that the emerging consensus among the climate scientists is that even though any individual storm can’t be linked singularly to global warming — we’ve always had hurricanes — nevertheless, the trend toward more Category 5 storms, the larger ones, and the trend toward stronger and more destructive storms appears to be linked to global warming.”
Regarding Hillary Clinton’s recent bout with dry nasal passages, Gore stated: “I think that the emerging consensus among ear, nose and throat specialists is that even though the dry nose of a single individual can’t be linked to global warming – after all, many people suffer from dry nose — yet, the obvious trend toward more dry noses, even scabrous nasal passages, appears to be linked to global warming.”
Regarding the 7.9 Earthquake that rocked China last week, killing, at last count, more than 70,000, Gore stated: “I think that the emerging consensus among geologists is that even though individual earthquake like the China quake can’t be linked directly to global warming — we’ve always had earthquakes after all — however, the trend toward more earthquakes, the kind that knock you off your feet, and the trend toward stronger and deadlier earthquakes appears to be linked to global warming.”
The euthanasia of Eight Bells at this year’s Preakness saw Gore at his most animated: “There’s an emerging consensus among sportscasters, among jockeys, gosh, even among the most spirited racehorse fans, that even though any individual broken ankle can’t be linked singularly to global warming — we’ve always had horses put down at the end or even during horse races — nevertheless, the trend toward more viscous tracks, the trend toward stickier and more destructive racetracks appears to be linked to global warming.”
Gore’s voice flattened in his discussion about Barack Obama, although in-studio observers noted his repeated sighs which were not readily detectable to the radio listener. “I’ve noted and I’ll note again that the emerging consensus among the political observers is that even though any individual remark by Obama can’t be linked singularly to global warming — we’ve always had politicians say the wrong thing [here Gore laughed] — nevertheless, the trend toward more of these kind of remarks by Obama – that he’d negotiate directly with Iran or Venezuela, and the trend toward more outrageous and more self-destructive remarks as the election nears appears to be linked to global warming.”
Reflecting on the dolphin collision at Sea World in Orlando, Florida last month that left 30-year old Sharkey dead after bumping snouts midair with a second dolphin caused Gore to wipe his eyes mid-reflection. “There’s an emerging consensus among zoologists and naturalists across the globe that even though any individual dolphin collision can’t be linked singularly to global warming — I’m sure we’ve had dolphin collision before, but that’s beside the point — nevertheless, the trend toward more collisions, the trend toward more frequent and more deadly dolphin collisions appears to be linked to global warming.”
Palestinians have repeatedly crossed into Egypt for supplies since last Wednesday. As soon as Egyptian forces have sealed up one hole, Hamas forces have succeeded in blasting a new one somewhere else in the 18-foot fence that divides this backwater border town in two.
Nothing Egyptian officials did seemed to work until they began blasting Yoko Ono music from the same speakers normally used to call Muslims to prayer. This began on Friday, immediately after Maghrib (or sunset) prayer.
One song that was particularly effective was “A Thousand Times Yes,” from Ono’s classic FEELING THE SPACE album released in 1973. According to Hamid, “That song make them hurry steps like camel in front of sandstorm.” Hamid, who is also the governor of northern Sinai, had first purchased the album in a Cairo thrift shop.
Other Ono songs have also worked effectively. Yesterday’s attempt to smash a new hole a kilometer south of the first breach was immediately met with a cacophony of tunes from Ono’s Greatest Hits compilation, which was DHL’d on Friday by a Lebanese-run music store in Haifa, Israel.
It should be noted that the United States has also used music torture when it attempted to induce Manuel Noriega to surrender in 1989. Officials could not be reached for comment.
(BERKELEY, CALIFORNIA) Perhaps French people don’t bathe or brush their teeth regularly, according to a provocative study recently published by La Point magazine, but neither do American liberals, according to a similar study that finds striking parallels between both populations.
While the French study, “24 Hours in France – An Unusual Portrait of France and the French,” shows a rather unflattering picture of the French, the American study, conducted by the University of California at Berkekey, could have been Xerox copied because the results are so eye-poppingly similar. For example, only one in 10 of both populations regularly uses soap.
In another astonishing parallel, while one in 25 French persons admits to never showering or bathing, an almost identical number of American liberals – one in 24 – admits the same disturbing behavior. And even conceding that rubbing the teeth with sprigs of spearmint constitutes tooth brushing, fully one out of 33 American liberals admits to never brushing his teeth. This rate is exactly identical to that of the French.
Nevertheless, both populations spend great periods of time in the bathroom albeit for reasons other than personal hygiene. The French spend between 48 to 56 minutes per day in the bathroom while American liberals spend between 46 to 53 minutes per day.
What they do there, however, demonstrates the only notable differences between the two groups in both studies. For example, while 25% of the French daydream, 14% make telephone calls, 8% sing, 6% smoke, and 1% eat in the bathroom, only 11% of American liberals daydream, 12% make phones calls, 6% sing, 4% smoke, and 2% eat. However, 18% of American liberals blog in the bathroom, and, more surprisingly, 9% compost.
What they read in the bathroom also differs, of course, with the American liberal preferring The New York Times and The Nation and the French preferring Le Figaro and Madeline, a popular children’s book series.
What has academics further head scratching is an amazing list of other similarities. For example, 450,000 French and 438,000 American liberals smoke cannabis daily. 2.40 million French take mood-altering prescription drugs daily, while 2.46 million American liberals do. And 550 French have facelifts or other plastic surgery every day, while 563 American liberals do, with the majority of them occurring in Paris and Biarritz, or Hollywood and the upper west side of Manhattan, respectively.
The La Point study bases its conclusions on France’s population of 60 million, while the Berkeley study extrapolates from an adult American liberal population ranging from an estimated 26 million to 34 million, with the Berkeley study using the larger number. Both studies rely on data collected by polling and academic research.
Although some French academics and bureaucrats have decried La Point’s findings for perpetuating an insulting and enduring caricature, French actor Girard Depardieu has recently contributed to France’s smelly stereotype by acting as an unwashed tramp in Boudu. Depardieu, it should be noted, ranked a mere 11th in a Swedish survey of the world’s smelliest celebrities. Meanwhile, American liberal actor Brad Pitt finished a strong first, while Cameron Diaz, known for carrying Chairman Mao handbags, ranked a disrespectable 8th, according to Mikael Jagerbrand.
What has yet to be established is whether liberals will be denied dental or medical coverage or be forced to bathe and brush their teeth under Hillarycare, or some other form of socialized health care should Americans elect a Democrat president in 2008. Hillary Clinton could not be reached for comment.
(DOJA, QATAR) In an effort to clarify his rambling seven-page manifesto released on September 7, Osama Bin Laden has sent a rambling a three-page memo to Al Jazeera, the 24-hour Arab news service in Qatar. The memo has been read continuously by a Bin Laden look-a-like every hour on the hour across the Middle East since Al Jazeera received it early Sunday morning.
In the threat-laced memo, Bin Laden seems to single out Hillary Clinton, whom he calls “cuckolded blond lady candidate.” He later refers to her as “the lady candidate who should be burqa-ed.”
Bin Laden chides Hillary by referring to her comment to a Concord, New Hampshire audience last Thursday stating that a terror attack between now and the next election would help a Republican to get reelected. “We’ll commit an act of terror any time we damn well please,” Bin Laden writes.
In addition, Bin Laden implies that Hillary’s words were, in fact, a coded message delivered to the terrorists by her friends in the mainstream press in order to get a Democrat elected president. “Just as [Mrs. Clinton] has her friends at CBS, we have our friends at Al Jazeera,” Bin Laden writes.
Bin Laden proves an astute follower of American politics. “We promise to adhere to [Mrs. Clinton’s] directive and lay off the terror, but not now. However, we can see the wisdom of holding back once the main candidates have been selected and the election starts in earnest.”
Bin Laden continues: “We want a Democrat president as much as you do, al mihara jeez mihara ichbab,” which, loosely translated, means “Woman Who Should Be Wearing A Burqa Who Voted For The War Before She Voted Against It.”
Mrs. Clinton could not be reached for comment.
In clarifying another matter, Bin Laden used more than a page to state that he will not become a spokesman for Grecian Formula, a hair dye made especially for men.
Although he admits that he did indeed enhance the color of his beard as shown in his most recent photo, he did not do so using western methods. Rather he used a Yemeni technique called al machbahad, a dark-brown rinse made of boiled currents and camel dung applied twice daily with a comb. This concoction is now readily available in the mountain caves of Pakistan. “It’s a very very old family recipe,” he asserts.
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(BAGHDAD) In very strong but measured remarks before an audience consisting mostly of Iraqi veterans and their families, Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki cautioned that the United States could face civil war if disunity continues among differing factions in the United States Congress.
Speaking gravely to a hushed audience, Maliki stated: “It’s only a matter of time before a civil war breaks out between the red states and the blue states.” He was referring to the recent convention of differentiating between states that have voted predominately Democratic or Republican for the last two Presidential election cycles.
“We get CNN over here,” Maliki said. “And even though it’s a day late, we also get the Arabic edition of The New York Times, so we know what’s going on in the United States.”
“You need to care for your people,” Maliki pleaded to the leaders of Congress. “If you don’t, then you should be ousted from your leadership positions as swiftly as a convicted thief’s left hand is separated from his arm in Saudi Arabia.”
Maliki singled out Senators Harry Reid, Patrick Leahy, Carl Levin, and Charles Schumer as well as Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, calling them “haboobs,” an Arabic slang term which, loosely translated, means “castrated camel rider.”
Maliki suggested that the Democratic Party replace people like Sen. Levin, a Michigan Democrat, with someone less partisan and divisive. “No wonder no progress has been made on Social Security,” he said.
“I believe the tenor of rhetoric in Congress grows so extreme that it will likely lead to a brutal civil war among rival political factions,” Maliki added.
“No effective legislation, no matter how tactically proposed, can succeed without at least some diplomacy,” Mr. Maliki said. “You in the Legislative Branch can’t just keep issuing nonsensical subpoenas to your Executive Branch as if there were no separation of powers, and then blow a gasket in front of your American media in order to manipulate the people.”
“We here in Iraq know a show trial when we see one,” Maliki said, referring specifically to the Senate’s repeated attempts to take down Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez for the purpose of having the Democratically controlled Senate appoint a new attorney general so that impeachment proceedings against President Bush could begin. “Civil wars have started for lesser reasons,” he added.
When asked by a reporter from the International Herald Tribune if Democratic leaders of both the House and Senate should be ousted, Maliki shook his head and put up both hands as if to back down from the remark. “I’m not saying that…,” he said emphatically, but then added, after a long pause, “…at this time.”
“I think that Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi certainly deserve a ‘last chance,’” he stated, making quotation marks in the air with his fingers. “But if the divisive rhetoric doesn’t stop, these leaders should certainly voluntarily step down, and, if not, members of their party, in the interest of unity, should oust them.”
In what Maliki termed a polite and well-meaning push, he has put the US Congress to a timetable, saying that he expects resolution to several important domestic issues before the first Presidential primary in 2008.
Maliki urged Congress to come back immediately from its vacation and solve some of its unresolved issues. When asked what those issues might be, Maliki said, “Permanent tax cuts would be nice.”
Maliki made his remarks before hundreds of veterans and their families at the first national convention of the Veterans of the Iraqi War of Independence held in Baghdad’s newest Holiday Inn. The V.I.W.I. is Iraq’s newest organization of combat veterans.
Maliki apologized in advance for comments that might appear “discourteous,” but added, “It’s about time someone said them.”
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(STOCKHØLM) The Nobel Peace Prize Committee has acted to rescind Yasser Arafat’s Peace Prize effective immediately, and to give it to Hamas, the Palestinian Sunni Islamist organization currently governing the people of the Palestinian National Authority.
“They have it anyway,” said Jander Skølfin, Third Executive Director to the Vice Chairman of the Nobel Prize Committee. Skølfin was referring to Hamas’s acquisition yesterday of Arafat’s 1994 Peace Prize during Hamas’s exploratory sortee of Arafat’s premises.
Although the Committee had heard undocumented charges that Arafat had siphoned billions of dollars of humanitarian aid meant for the Palestinian people, that fact “came home,” as Skølfin phrased it, after the world witnessed the Palestinian people swipe Arafat’s widow’s clothes and shoes. “One day the world will know just how much Hamas really cares,” he added.
In making their decision, the Nobel Peace Prize Committee also cited Nobel Peace Prize winner and former US President Jimmy Carter, who, in January 2006, stated, “There have been no complaints of corruption against Hamas’s elected officials.”
Hamas joins other groups, rather than individuals, who have received the granddaddy of all awards. These include The Office of the United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees, the International Labour Organization (I.L.O.) in Geneva, and International Physicians for the Prevention of Nuclear War located in Boston.
(CARACAS) In an effort to stanch the eroding value of Venezuelan currency, President Hugo Chávez has issued a new currency with a new name, the “Bárbara.”
Chávez hopes to stem the steep tide of inflation by lopping off approximately two zeros and turning the 1000 bolivar coin into a coin valued at 12-1/2 “fuerte” or “strong” bolivars.
Chávez has nicknamed the new coin Bárbara because its copper color closely matches Barbara Walters’s henna hair. In addition, Barbara’s recent interview broadcast on ABC’s Good Morning America has “restored my currency as the most important leader of the Western Hemisphere.”
In her March 16th interview with Chávez, Walters called Chávez a “dignified man” and forgave him for calling President Bush a “devil” and a “donkey.”
Barbara added that Chávez “is not the crazy man that we have heard,” referring to Chávez’s famous rant earlier this year at the UN when he compared Bush to Satan.
“[Chávez] cares very much about poverty,” Barbara continued, explaining how he helped bring oil to the poor of the United States this winter. “This is a very intelligent man.”
Chávez dismisses his critics’ assessment that his takeover of oil, electric and phone companies, or his price fixing of commodities, or the exodus of foreign capital from Venezuela has anything to do with this year’s 20% spike in inflation, the highest in Latin America. “What else would you expect capitalists to say?”
Instead, Chávez blames food hoarders and black marketeers, which he called “puercos sucios” or “dirty pigs,” for jacking up prices on a broad range of commodities.