In his rambling remarks, Gore linked global warming to a disparate series of events ranging in size and destructive scope from the recent Typhoon in Burma killing tens of thousands, to the trend toward dry air under the capitol dome that has wreaked havoc on Hillary Clinton’s nasal passages.
Regarding the recent typhoon in Burma, Gore stated: “It’s… important to note that the emerging consensus among the climate scientists is that even though any individual storm can’t be linked singularly to global warming — we’ve always had hurricanes — nevertheless, the trend toward more Category 5 storms, the larger ones, and the trend toward stronger and more destructive storms appears to be linked to global warming.”
Regarding Hillary Clinton’s recent bout with dry nasal passages, Gore stated: “I think that the emerging consensus among ear, nose and throat specialists is that even though the dry nose of a single individual can’t be linked to global warming – after all, many people suffer from dry nose — yet, the obvious trend toward more dry noses, even scabrous nasal passages, appears to be linked to global warming.”
Regarding the 7.9 Earthquake that rocked China last week, killing, at last count, more than 70,000, Gore stated: “I think that the emerging consensus among geologists is that even though individual earthquake like the China quake can’t be linked directly to global warming — we’ve always had earthquakes after all — however, the trend toward more earthquakes, the kind that knock you off your feet, and the trend toward stronger and deadlier earthquakes appears to be linked to global warming.”
The euthanasia of Eight Bells at this year’s Preakness saw Gore at his most animated: “There’s an emerging consensus among sportscasters, among jockeys, gosh, even among the most spirited racehorse fans, that even though any individual broken ankle can’t be linked singularly to global warming — we’ve always had horses put down at the end or even during horse races — nevertheless, the trend toward more viscous tracks, the trend toward stickier and more destructive racetracks appears to be linked to global warming.”
Gore’s voice flattened in his discussion about Barack Obama, although in-studio observers noted his repeated sighs which were not readily detectable to the radio listener. “I’ve noted and I’ll note again that the emerging consensus among the political observers is that even though any individual remark by Obama can’t be linked singularly to global warming — we’ve always had politicians say the wrong thing [here Gore laughed] — nevertheless, the trend toward more of these kind of remarks by Obama – that he’d negotiate directly with Iran or Venezuela, and the trend toward more outrageous and more self-destructive remarks as the election nears appears to be linked to global warming.”
Reflecting on the dolphin collision at Sea World in Orlando, Florida last month that left 30-year old Sharkey dead after bumping snouts midair with a second dolphin caused Gore to wipe his eyes mid-reflection. “There’s an emerging consensus among zoologists and naturalists across the globe that even though any individual dolphin collision can’t be linked singularly to global warming — I’m sure we’ve had dolphin collision before, but that’s beside the point — nevertheless, the trend toward more collisions, the trend toward more frequent and more deadly dolphin collisions appears to be linked to global warming.”
(BRATTLEBORO, VT) Vermonters may have to shutter up their sugar shacks and shuffle off to Canada if they want to continue to live off the largesse of the maple tree.
Man-made or not, global warming seems to be shortening the sugaring season and causing our rough-skinned friends to skimp on the sweet sauce.
Eco-farmer, Matthias Jarling, who green farms 122 acres outside of Brattleboro, has seen his maple syrup output shrink by 38% since 1980. He insists that his trees are angry. “They’ve been furious since that [expletive deleted] B-actor from Hollywood got elected. With the exception of about three seasons in the mid-90’s, they just won’t produce.”
Prominent scientists speculate that as conditions continue to deteriorate in the northeast, maples will increasingly creep across the border into Canada to find cooler and more favorable conditions.
“Of course they’re going to go to Canada,” Jarling said, before taking a long moment to reflect as he looked toward the Green Mountains. “Why wouldn’t they go to Canada? Canada signed the Kyoto Treaty, didn’t they? We didn’t. Don’t you think these mighty maples can sense who their friends are?”
Jarling was referring to the UN-sponsored Kyoto Protocol, a self-regulating treaty designed to reduce industry-produced greenhouse gases. Many scientists agree that greenhouse gases have drastically shrunk the polar icecaps.
The United States has refused to sign this agreement.
(WASHINGTON, DC) Astronaut Scott Parazynski did more than perform emergency surgery on a torn solar panel on the International Space Station today. At the end of his spacewalk, almost as an afterthought, he reached out with a 90-foot robotic arm and boom extension, and deftly snagged a strand of twine dangling from a mysterious bundle of space debris.
“Yee haw,” was all that earthbound controllers could hear Parazynsky say into his space helmet at that moment. However, Col. Douglas H. Wheelock, giving visual cues to Parazynsky during what officials have termed the most dangerous spacewalk in history, shouted something else: “What the hell does that space jockey think he’s doing?”
“I thought we were going to lose him,” Wheelock admitted, after witnessing what appeared to be a dangerous action. “We’re taught in space school from the get-go that gimcrack stunts costs lives.”
However, it was only after the spacewalkers closed the inner hatch, peeled off their space gloves, and opened the provocative packet of papers bundled together with twine that they realized what an extraordinary find they had — a small treasure trove of classified Hillary Clinton documents from the National Archive.
Among them, a letter to Bill Clinton dated January 25th, 1998 in which Hillary writes: “George Bush was right. You’ve turned the White House into the waffle house. Now I’m asking you for the last time, did you or did you not have sexual relations with that woman?”
The discovery of these documents comes on the heels of this week’s presidential debate in Philadelphia in which Democratic candidates repeatedly charged Clinton with trying to block the release of While House documents that would give the American people an opportunity to make a judgment about her experience. Under a National Archives ban, communication between Hillary and Bill during their White House years will not be made available to the public until 2012.
Hillary Clinton insists that, “my husband has never blocked a record ever. He has been the most forthcoming of all presidents.”
Critics, however, say the timely discovery of these documents in outer space can only add to the controversy. “This issue is not going away any time soon,” said a spokesman for Dennis Kucinich, one of the second-tier candidates for the Democratic nomination.
Officials are at a loss how a bundle of letters from the 1990’s could be found floating in space in 2007. “We’re utterly and absolutely dumbfounded,” said one unidentified NASA official.
However, conflicting explanations have come from the Clinton camp, with one calling it a hoax, another admitting that Hillary did indeed buy replacement table lamps on multiple occasions, to a third who speculates that one of the astronauts on today’s mission deliberately jettisoned the packet, a charge which has been strongly denied by both Parazynski and Wheeler.
More than 60 shuttle missions were flown during the Clinton administration.
(BERKELEY, CALIFORNIA) Perhaps French people don’t bathe or brush their teeth regularly, according to a provocative study recently published by La Point magazine, but neither do American liberals, according to a similar study that finds striking parallels between both populations.
While the French study, “24 Hours in France – An Unusual Portrait of France and the French,” shows a rather unflattering picture of the French, the American study, conducted by the University of California at Berkekey, could have been Xerox copied because the results are so eye-poppingly similar. For example, only one in 10 of both populations regularly uses soap.
In another astonishing parallel, while one in 25 French persons admits to never showering or bathing, an almost identical number of American liberals – one in 24 – admits the same disturbing behavior. And even conceding that rubbing the teeth with sprigs of spearmint constitutes tooth brushing, fully one out of 33 American liberals admits to never brushing his teeth. This rate is exactly identical to that of the French.
Nevertheless, both populations spend great periods of time in the bathroom albeit for reasons other than personal hygiene. The French spend between 48 to 56 minutes per day in the bathroom while American liberals spend between 46 to 53 minutes per day.
What they do there, however, demonstrates the only notable differences between the two groups in both studies. For example, while 25% of the French daydream, 14% make telephone calls, 8% sing, 6% smoke, and 1% eat in the bathroom, only 11% of American liberals daydream, 12% make phones calls, 6% sing, 4% smoke, and 2% eat. However, 18% of American liberals blog in the bathroom, and, more surprisingly, 9% compost.
What they read in the bathroom also differs, of course, with the American liberal preferring The New York Times and The Nation and the French preferring Le Figaro and Madeline, a popular children’s book series.
What has academics further head scratching is an amazing list of other similarities. For example, 450,000 French and 438,000 American liberals smoke cannabis daily. 2.40 million French take mood-altering prescription drugs daily, while 2.46 million American liberals do. And 550 French have facelifts or other plastic surgery every day, while 563 American liberals do, with the majority of them occurring in Paris and Biarritz, or Hollywood and the upper west side of Manhattan, respectively.
The La Point study bases its conclusions on France’s population of 60 million, while the Berkeley study extrapolates from an adult American liberal population ranging from an estimated 26 million to 34 million, with the Berkeley study using the larger number. Both studies rely on data collected by polling and academic research.
Although some French academics and bureaucrats have decried La Point’s findings for perpetuating an insulting and enduring caricature, French actor Girard Depardieu has recently contributed to France’s smelly stereotype by acting as an unwashed tramp in Boudu. Depardieu, it should be noted, ranked a mere 11th in a Swedish survey of the world’s smelliest celebrities. Meanwhile, American liberal actor Brad Pitt finished a strong first, while Cameron Diaz, known for carrying Chairman Mao handbags, ranked a disrespectable 8th, according to Mikael Jagerbrand.
What has yet to be established is whether liberals will be denied dental or medical coverage or be forced to bathe and brush their teeth under Hillarycare, or some other form of socialized health care should Americans elect a Democrat president in 2008. Hillary Clinton could not be reached for comment.