(Washington, DC) Medical authorities have failed to explain why MSNBC’s Chris Matthews’s leg hasn’t stopped tingling since the evening hours of February 13 during an acceptance speech given by Democratic candidate Barack Obama.
Matthews first reported his condition in an on-air exchange with Keith Olberman about an hour after Obama swept the so-called Potomac primaries in Virginia, Maryland and DC.
According to MSNBC transcripts: “I have to tell you, you know, it’s part of reporting this case, this election, the feeling most people get when they hear Barack Obama’s speech. My, I felt this thrill going up my leg. I mean, I don’t have that too often.”
NBC anchor Brian Williams later joked with Olberman about Matthews’s comment, but it turns out his condition was no joking matter. In fact, Matthews has undergone a battery of tests at John Hopkins University Medical Center in Maryland in an attempt to diagnose what doctors have termed a continuous spasmodic tingle. The condition seems to accelerate with each Obama win.
Although doctors have no conclusive medical explanation, they do note a slight constriction in Matthews’s femoral artery.
Doctors have ruled out Restless Leg Syndrome, a medical condition affecting more than 12 million Americans, for no other reason than that Matthews states categorically that he does not find the condition unnecessarily uncomfortable.
In fact, Hans Friendly, an intern for Keith Olbermann, has reported seeing Matthews on the set smirking uncontrollably while not apparently doing anything else but wistfully daydreaming. He speculates that it is at these times Matthews most intensely feels the thrill up his leg.
In other related matters, Democratic Party apparatchiks have sent Hillary Clinton a ‘Dear John’ limerick that is currently making its way around the left-wing blogosphere:
My dearest Madame Hillary
I’ve grown tired of your shillary
My newfound drama
Is that dreamboat Obama
Who gives my left leg a thrillary.
Neither Matthews nor Hillary Clinton could be reached for comment.
(BERKELEY, CALIFORNIA) Perhaps French people don’t bathe or brush their teeth regularly, according to a provocative study recently published by La Point magazine, but neither do American liberals, according to a similar study that finds striking parallels between both populations.
While the French study, “24 Hours in France – An Unusual Portrait of France and the French,” shows a rather unflattering picture of the French, the American study, conducted by the University of California at Berkekey, could have been Xerox copied because the results are so eye-poppingly similar. For example, only one in 10 of both populations regularly uses soap.
In another astonishing parallel, while one in 25 French persons admits to never showering or bathing, an almost identical number of American liberals – one in 24 – admits the same disturbing behavior. And even conceding that rubbing the teeth with sprigs of spearmint constitutes tooth brushing, fully one out of 33 American liberals admits to never brushing his teeth. This rate is exactly identical to that of the French.
Nevertheless, both populations spend great periods of time in the bathroom albeit for reasons other than personal hygiene. The French spend between 48 to 56 minutes per day in the bathroom while American liberals spend between 46 to 53 minutes per day.
What they do there, however, demonstrates the only notable differences between the two groups in both studies. For example, while 25% of the French daydream, 14% make telephone calls, 8% sing, 6% smoke, and 1% eat in the bathroom, only 11% of American liberals daydream, 12% make phones calls, 6% sing, 4% smoke, and 2% eat. However, 18% of American liberals blog in the bathroom, and, more surprisingly, 9% compost.
What they read in the bathroom also differs, of course, with the American liberal preferring The New York Times and The Nation and the French preferring Le Figaro and Madeline, a popular children’s book series.
What has academics further head scratching is an amazing list of other similarities. For example, 450,000 French and 438,000 American liberals smoke cannabis daily. 2.40 million French take mood-altering prescription drugs daily, while 2.46 million American liberals do. And 550 French have facelifts or other plastic surgery every day, while 563 American liberals do, with the majority of them occurring in Paris and Biarritz, or Hollywood and the upper west side of Manhattan, respectively.
The La Point study bases its conclusions on France’s population of 60 million, while the Berkeley study extrapolates from an adult American liberal population ranging from an estimated 26 million to 34 million, with the Berkeley study using the larger number. Both studies rely on data collected by polling and academic research.
Although some French academics and bureaucrats have decried La Point’s findings for perpetuating an insulting and enduring caricature, French actor Girard Depardieu has recently contributed to France’s smelly stereotype by acting as an unwashed tramp in Boudu. Depardieu, it should be noted, ranked a mere 11th in a Swedish survey of the world’s smelliest celebrities. Meanwhile, American liberal actor Brad Pitt finished a strong first, while Cameron Diaz, known for carrying Chairman Mao handbags, ranked a disrespectable 8th, according to Mikael Jagerbrand.
What has yet to be established is whether liberals will be denied dental or medical coverage or be forced to bathe and brush their teeth under Hillarycare, or some other form of socialized health care should Americans elect a Democrat president in 2008. Hillary Clinton could not be reached for comment.
(NEW YORK CITY) The animal rights group PETA has formally petitioned NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg to save the KFC rats. In addition, a small but vocal group of protestors keeping a round-the-clock vigil outside of the restaurant in Greenwich Village vows to take necessary action to prevent what PETA calls mass “ratricide.”
Although many locals expressed disgust at seeing rats at KFC, PETA took the opposite tack, calling them “misunderstood rodents, too long maligned.” According to PETA spokesman Jeremy Swayzee, “they carry no more diseases than humans, and probably aren’t half as infectious.”
Bloomberg’s office declined to answer Swayzee’s petition, instead issuing a document reiterating New York City’s ordinance that requires KFC to exterminate the rats immediately or to face stiff fines or closure.
Local News Camera 2, a CBS affiliate, first caught sight of more than a dozen rats scampering on the floor, up and down chairs, and even across dining tables at the eatery. The video has been picked up by news affiliates around the world, even outlets as far away as France.
“Whoever first exposed them is a rat fink,” Swayzee said before self correcting. “No, make that a human fink.”