Globall Gore(Washington, DC) Former Vice President Al Gore made tsunami-size waves in a wide-ranging and controversial interview broadcast yesterday on National Public Radio.

In his rambling remarks, Gore linked global warming to a disparate series of events ranging in size and destructive scope from the recent Typhoon in Burma killing tens of thousands, to the trend toward dry air under the capitol dome that has wreaked havoc on Hillary Clinton’s nasal passages.

Regarding the recent typhoon in Burma, Gore stated: “It’s… important to note that the emerging consensus among the climate scientists is that even though any individual storm can’t be linked singularly to global warming — we’ve always had hurricanes — nevertheless, the trend toward more Category 5 storms, the larger ones, and the trend toward stronger and more destructive storms appears to be linked to global warming.”

Hillary NosepickRegarding Hillary Clinton’s recent bout with dry nasal passages, Gore stated: “I think that the emerging consensus among ear, nose and throat specialists is that even though the dry nose of a single individual can’t be linked to global warming – after all, many people suffer from dry nose — yet, the obvious trend toward more dry noses, even scabrous nasal passages, appears to be linked to global warming.”

Regarding the 7.9 Earthquake that rocked China last week, killing, at last count, more than 70,000, Gore stated: “I think that the emerging consensus among geologists is that even though individual earthquake like the China quake can’t be linked directly to global warming — we’ve always had earthquakes after all — however, the trend toward more earthquakes, the kind that knock you off your feet, and the trend toward stronger and deadlier earthquakes appears to be linked to global warming.”

The euthanasia of Eight Bells at this year’s Preakness saw Gore at his most animated: “There’s an emerging consensus among sportscasters, among jockeys, gosh, even among the most spirited racehorse fans, that even though any individual broken ankle can’t be linked singularly to global warming — we’ve always had horses put down at the end or even during horse races — nevertheless, the trend toward more viscous tracks, the trend toward stickier and more destructive racetracks appears to be linked to global warming.”

Obama WhitehouseGore’s voice flattened in his discussion about Barack Obama, although in-studio observers noted his repeated sighs which were not readily detectable to the radio listener. “I’ve noted and I’ll note again that the emerging consensus among the political observers is that even though any individual remark by Obama can’t be linked singularly to global warming — we’ve always had politicians say the wrong thing [here Gore laughed] — nevertheless, the trend toward more of these kind of remarks by Obama – that he’d negotiate directly with Iran or Venezuela, and the trend toward more outrageous and more self-destructive remarks as the election nears appears to be linked to global warming.”

Dolphin CollisionReflecting on the dolphin collision at Sea World in Orlando, Florida last month that left 30-year old Sharkey dead after bumping snouts midair with a second dolphin caused Gore to wipe his eyes mid-reflection. “There’s an emerging consensus among zoologists and naturalists across the globe that even though any individual dolphin collision can’t be linked singularly to global warming — I’m sure we’ve had dolphin collision before, but that’s beside the point — nevertheless, the trend toward more collisions, the trend toward more frequent and more deadly dolphin collisions appears to be linked to global warming.”

(SAINT-ETIENNE, France) Lance Armstrong does not think that Sen. John Kerry would make a terrific bicyclist but fears he’ll try anyway.

During his warmup for Saturday’s time trial, the Texan watched the Democrat from Massachusetts who was sitting in the back seat of a black Peugeot limousine under the Eiffel Tower.

Armstrong listed the Senator’s losing qualities. “What made him so awful during the presidential election was the lack of focus, discipline, intelligence and strategic ability– his inability to just take it on and go,” Armstrong said.

Those qualities would not serve Kerry well were he a bicycle racer, Armstrong said. “I think he’d be terrible; he’d be a loser. I just hope he doesn’t race for our team,” said Armstrong, an avid fan of politics.

Armstrong said he had tapes of last year’s acceptance speech by Kerry delivered during the Democratic National Convention last year.

Kerry, who has no plans to retire from the Senate, sealed his historic loss for the presidency last November. He has not ruled out a career in bicycling should he lose again.

Like Kerry haters around the world, Armstrong refuses to wear his hair in the bouffant style, but he did release all his records when pressed to do so, which Kerry has yet to do.

“He’s a loser with an fraudulent personal story, and he doesn’t understand regular folks,” Armstrong said of Kerry’s losing effort. “He’s one of the most pathetic political failures of all time,” he said. “His sheer stupidity is stunning.”