piano legs(LONDON) A decade-long rumor was confirmed today when it was announced that Hillary Clinton has insured her piano legs for $10 million with Lloyds of London.

Until yesterday the public had only known of Hillary’s piano legs through anecdotal evidence because no known pictures of Hillary in a dress exist. For example, in March 2006 Chris Matthews of MSNBC’s Hardball called Hillary, “Dukakis in a dress,” and noted that she has better calves than former Democratic Presidential nominee Michael Dukakis.

rudy-dress.JPGWashington pundits speculate that Clinton has chosen this time to insure her legs because she expects Rudy Giuliani to emerge as her probable Republican rival in the Presidential race. Pictures of Rudy in a dress, taken when he appeared briefly in drag in Broadway’s Victor/Victoria, regularly circulate on the internet and show what a Hillary spokesperson calls, “a very shapely set of gams.”

Howard Dean, Chairman of the Democratic Party, expects Hillary to unveil her piano legs after she secures the Democratic nomination. He speculates that it will generate more buzz than when Hillary revealed her cleavage on the Senate floor this year in front of CSPAN cameras. hillary-cleavage.JPG

According to urbandictionary.com, a reference site widely used by urban hipsters, piano legs are “disproportionately thick calves and/or ankles on a woman with otherwise normal body weight.” It also cites the Democratic presidential frontrunner in its example of proper usage of the phrase: “No wonder Hillary Clinton always wears pant suits. She’s got a humongous set of piano legs.”

Although Lloyds used their press release to heavily promote Hanes® new Hiphugger-High™ support panty hose, a product targeting the aging baby boom generation, they seemed delighted to underwrite a set of legs as famous as Hillary’s. A spokesperson for the Clinton campaign would neither confirm nor deny Hillary’s possible endorsement of the new Hanes product.

Clinton joins company with Betty Grable and Marlene Dietrich, two notables with million dollar legs underwritten by Lloyds. However, all three fall far short of Mariah Carey who insured her legs for $1 billion last year before embarking on an advertising campaign for Gillette.

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French teeth or American liberal teeth?(BERKELEY, CALIFORNIA) Perhaps French people don’t bathe or brush their teeth regularly, according to a provocative study recently published by La Point magazine, but neither do American liberals, according to a similar study that finds striking parallels between both populations.

While the French study, “24 Hours in France – An Unusual Portrait of France and the French,” shows a rather unflattering picture of the French, the American study, conducted by the University of California at Berkekey, could have been Xerox copied because the results are so eye-poppingly similar. For example, only one in 10 of both populations regularly uses soap.

In another astonishing parallel, while one in 25 French persons admits to never showering or bathing, an almost identical number of American liberals – one in 24 – admits the same disturbing behavior. And even conceding that rubbing the teeth with sprigs French woman or American liberal woman?of spearmint constitutes tooth brushing, fully one out of 33 American liberals admits to never brushing his teeth. This rate is exactly identical to that of the French.

Nevertheless, both populations spend great periods of time in the bathroom albeit for reasons other than personal hygiene. The French spend between 48 to 56 minutes per day in the bathroom while American liberals spend between 46 to 53 minutes per day.

What they do there, however, demonstrates the only notable differences between the two groups in both studies. For example, while 25% of the French daydream, 14% make telephone calls, 8% sing, 6% smoke, and 1% eat in the bathroom, only 11% of American liberals daydream, 12% make phones calls, 6% sing, 4% smoke, and 2% eat. However, 18% of American liberals blog in the bathroom, and, more surprisingly, 9% compost.

What they read in the bathroom also differs, of course, with the American liberal preferring The New York Times and The Nation and the French preferring Le Figaro and Madeline, a popular children’s book series.

What has academics further head scratching is an amazing list of other similarities. For example, 450,000 French and 438,000 American liberals smoke cannabis daily. 2.40 million French take mood-altering prescription drugs daily, while 2.46 million American liberals do. And 550 French have facelifts or other plastic surgery every day, while 563 American liberals do, with the majority of them occurring in Paris and Biarritz, or Hollywood and the upper west side of Manhattan, respectively.

The La Point study bases its conclusions on France’s population of 60 million, while the Berkeley study extrapolates from an adult American liberal population ranging from an estimated 26 million to 34 million, with the Berkeley study using the larger number. Both studies rely on data collected by polling and academic research.

pitt.JPGAlthough some French academics and bureaucrats have decried La Point’s findings for perpetuating an insulting and enduring caricature, French actor Girard Depardieu has recently contributed to France’s smelly stereotype by acting as an unwashed tramp in Boudu. Depardieu, it should be noted, ranked a mere 11th in a Swedish survey of the world’s smelliest celebrities. Meanwhile, American liberal actor Brad Pitt finished a strong first, while Cameron Diaz, known for carrying Chairman Mao handbags, ranked a disrespectable 8th, according to Mikael Jagerbrand.

What has yet to be established is whether liberals will be denied dental or medical coverage or be forced to bathe and brush their teeth under Hillarycare, or some other form of socialized health care should Americans elect a Democrat president in 2008. Hillary Clinton could not be reached for comment.

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bin-laden-1.JPG(DOJA, QATAR) In an effort to clarify his rambling seven-page manifesto released on September 7, Osama Bin Laden has sent a rambling a three-page memo to Al Jazeera, the 24-hour Arab news service in Qatar. The memo has been read continuously by a Bin Laden look-a-like every hour on the hour across the Middle East since Al Jazeera received it early Sunday morning.

In the threat-laced memo, Bin Laden seems to single out Hillary Clinton, whom he calls “cuckolded blond lady candidate.” He later refers to her as “the lady candidate who should be burqa-ed.”

Bin Laden chides Hillary by referring to her comment to a Concord, New Hampshire audience last Thursday stating that a terror attack between now and the next election would help a Republican to get reelected. “We’ll commit an act of terror any time we damn well please,” Bin Laden writes.
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In addition, Bin Laden implies that Hillary’s words were, in fact, a coded message delivered to the terrorists by her friends in the mainstream press in order to get a Democrat elected president. “Just as [Mrs. Clinton] has her friends at CBS, we have our friends at Al Jazeera,” Bin Laden writes.

Bin Laden proves an astute follower of American politics. “We promise to adhere to [Mrs. Clinton’s] directive and lay off the terror, but not now. However, we can see the wisdom of holding back once the main candidates have been selected and the election starts in earnest.”

Bin Laden continues: “We want a Democrat president as much as you do, al mihara jeez mihara ichbab,” which, loosely translated, means “Woman Who Should Be Wearing A Burqa Who Voted For The War Before She Voted Against It.”

Mrs. Clinton could not be reached for comment.

In clarifying another matter, Bin Laden used more than a page to state that he will not become a spokesman for Grecian Formula, a hair dye made especially for men.
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Although he admits that he did indeed enhance the color of his beard as shown in his most recent photo, he did not do so using western methods. Rather he used a Yemeni technique called al machbahad, a dark-brown rinse made of boiled currents and camel dung applied twice daily with a comb. This concoction is now readily available in the mountain caves of Pakistan. “It’s a very very old family recipe,” he asserts.
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