Chris Matthews(Washington, DC) Medical authorities have failed to explain why MSNBC’s Chris Matthews’s leg hasn’t stopped tingling since the evening hours of February 13 during an acceptance speech given by Democratic candidate Barack Obama.

Matthews first reported his condition in an on-air exchange with Keith Olberman about an hour after Obama swept the so-called Potomac primaries in Virginia, Maryland and DC.

According to MSNBC transcripts: “I have to tell you, you know, it’s part of reporting this case, this election, the feeling most people get when they hear Barack Obama’s speech. My, I felt this thrill going up my leg. I mean, I don’t have that too often.”

matthews-leg-with-electrodes.JPGNBC anchor Brian Williams later joked with Olberman about Matthews’s comment, but it turns out his condition was no joking matter. In fact, Matthews has undergone a battery of tests at John Hopkins University Medical Center in Maryland in an attempt to diagnose what doctors have termed a continuous spasmodic tingle. The condition seems to accelerate with each Obama win.

Although doctors have no conclusive medical explanation, they do note a slight constriction in Matthews’s femoral artery.

matthewss-leg.JPGDoctors have ruled out Restless Leg Syndrome, a medical condition affecting more than 12 million Americans, for no other reason than that Matthews states categorically that he does not find the condition unnecessarily uncomfortable.

In fact, Hans Friendly, an intern for Keith Olbermann, has reported seeing Matthews on the set smirking uncontrollably while not apparently doing anything else but wistfully daydreaming. He speculates that it is at these times Matthews most intensely feels the thrill up his leg.

In other related matters, Democratic Party apparatchiks have sent Hillary Clinton a ‘Dear John’ limerick that is currently making its way around the left-wing blogosphere:

My dearest Madame Hillary
I’ve grown tired of your shillary
My newfound drama
Is that dreamboat Obama
Who gives my left leg a thrillary.

Neither Matthews nor Hillary Clinton could be reached for comment.

Hillary Clinton’s Empty Pants Suit(NEW YORK) New York’s fashion week ended as all orgiastic parties unfortunately must end, with the lights flicking on and the bleary-eyed crowds making for the exits.

Didn’t these ungrateful wretches realize that Fashion Week had billed the unveiling of Hillary Clinton’s Empty Pants Suit Collection as its main event? Hadn’t New York’s brightest pre-anointed Hillary as the elite of the fashionably elite? Poor lady, no wonder she cries.

Empty pants suit after empty pants suit paraded down the runway. However, there were no checks, no patterns, no bright colors, no top that was not an exact match to the solid bottom.

At least one could marvel at the precision of the creases, each more exact than the next as if the designer were wanting us to judge a May Day review.

Although it would be impossible to call Hillary’s Empty Pants Suit Collection beautiful, some outfits did rise to the level of handsome.

Hillary’s Empty Pants SuitThe main event was the full-collar wrinkle-free stiff-backed muslin in solid royal blue and stuffed in all the right places. Even the happy clappy roger sandwiched next to me who hadn’t said a word all evening emitted an “Ooooo.”

However, only the fashion correspondent from MSNBC had the audacity to show his true feelings by exactly placing two pinched fingers on the end of his nose.

Perhaps Versace was right; Hillary Clinton should ditch the trousers.

Feeling the Space Yoko OnoRAFAH, Egypt — Electric batons could not stop hordes of Palestinians from illegally pouring through a hole in the border fence between Gaza and Egypt. Nor could water canons, and bulldozers.

Palestinians have repeatedly crossed into Egypt for supplies since last Wednesday. As soon as Egyptian forces have sealed up one hole, Hamas forces have succeeded in blasting a new one somewhere else in the 18-foot fence that divides this backwater border town in two.

Nothing Egyptian officials did seemed to work until they began blasting Yoko Ono music from the same speakers normally used to call Muslims to prayer. This began on Friday, immediately after Maghrib (or sunset) prayer.

Yoko Ono“This is why no one dare stopping music,” said Egyptian General Abdel Hamid, who said he got the idea from watching APOCALYPSE NOW, his favorite American movie.

One song that was particularly effective was “A Thousand Times Yes,” from Ono’s classic FEELING THE SPACE album released in 1973. According to Hamid, “That song make them hurry steps like camel in front of sandstorm.” Hamid, who is also the governor of northern Sinai, had first purchased the album in a Cairo thrift shop.

Rafah, EgyptOther Ono songs have also worked effectively. Yesterday’s attempt to smash a new hole a kilometer south of the first breach was immediately met with a cacophony of tunes from Ono’s Greatest Hits compilation, which was DHL’d on Friday by a Lebanese-run music store in Haifa, Israel.

It should be noted that the United States has also used music torture when it attempted to induce Manuel Noriega to surrender in 1989. Officials could not be reached for comment.